|Porcupine brings a sense of joy and curiosity to bring you out of the muck of grief. |
Engage Porcupine Medicine to help you stay afloat through troubled waters.
When I lived on a farm in Kentucky many years ago, we had a cistern for our water needs. About once a month or so, we had to put a stick into the cistern to see how much water we had left. There were various measurements on the stick to determine the amount of water in the cistern.
In the last month, I did a test on myself and found that my Energy Cistern was running on low or very low, which invited a big bunch of Fear to come visit me. It was the general sticky like Velcro kind of Fear. I worried. I had anxiety. I couldn't sleep. I was in full-blown panic mode. Two weeks ago, my warrior-Self was ready to do battle with this monster. It was almost an obsession to "get to the bottom of why I was feeling these feelings." That's a lot of "doing" and not a lot of "being." Sitting with Fear is no joke. Luckily my intuition stepped in and made me realize that I had to get very clear on what is real and true for me in this moment.
For me, I've always considered myself a warrior, brave and courageous, and a wise adventurer. There is no room for Fear in these parts, until it happens. Georgia O'Keeffe once said, "I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life, and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." That's who I thought I was...Was I fooling myself? This warrior was filled with anxiety about life and where my life was headed. I think big dreams have a way of doing that to you.
In the last couple of weeks of sitting in the shit pile, I've learned a couple of things:
- Fear is a sense of being inadequate in some way. Yep, "not enough."
- It is a feeling or belief that we may not be able to deal with the challenges that we face in our day-to-day life or not be able to achieve our big dreams in the future. These are the stories we tell ourselves based on our experiences.
- There is no sense of joy in the Fear. It is filled with a power all its own that complicates our lives. And our words feed this power. We need to wisely choose our words.
- Flowers grow from this muck.
As I sat in the primordial goo, I brought my mind, body, emotions, and soul together for a PowWow. The move to New Mexico (while joyful) had thrown my life into chaos. I was facing grief from the breakup that I thought was easy, and the fact that I had complicated my life with a multi-dimensional business didn't help matters. I could no longer deny the Fear or conquer it. Feelings of doubt rose to the surface to be seen and heard.
For more than a week, it was all I could do to get out of bed. Fear, anxiety, and doubt had a grip on me that I had never felt before. My mental state spiraled down into the dungeons. And this was despite the fact that I'm in a place that my soul calls "home." It didn't make sense.
What I had to do was embrace the Fear. I read a lot. I cried a lot. I went up into the mountains to be held. I also looked at My Stories of Not Enough. I looked at my inner self, my life, and my business honestly. My life had changed...and so had I in all aspects. So, what do I need now? Where is my joy in this new reality?
As in all things, whenever you reach a place of incredible breakthrough or a new level of consciousness and power, there is always a "stuck in the muck" phase. This is the time that I nearly give up and throw in the towel. It takes so much strength and energy to stick with it and embrace the frustrations, griefs, and "not enoughs" that the Ego sends out. I know in my heart that there is a beautiful space of profound love beyond the muck. I try to remember that it's not about the next story, the next client, or the next design. It's about the journey. The process is the web that connects you, me, and all of life with Love.
What do you do when fear has you in its grips? Where are you on your journey? Tell us in the comments below. Your story can heal the wounds of others.
PS "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." ~Dorothy Thompson